Taming Negative Self Talk
- simplylivingsue
- Feb 6
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 13
We've all been there—making promises to ourselves and losing steam. Is your resolution fading away, or did a work project slip through the cracks? Don't worry, you're not alone!
Negative self-talk, anyone? It’s hitting me hard right now, leading to shame and a lack of motivation, even though I frequently support clients affected by this. (Geez, Sue, you work with your clients on this, why can’t you walk the talk…), which further hinders my motivation and spirals into very little getting accomplished.
Let's call these gremlins, inspired by Brené Brown's 'shame gremlins' in her work around vulnerability and shame. These are the pesky thoughts that pop up unexpectedly and make us doubt ourselves.
Here’s how it plays out.
I set a goal last fall to send you one newsletter a month…
How many newsletters have I sent? One
… and how many months have passed? Four
… and how am I feeling about that? Crummy
… and what are my gremlins telling me? You suck. You know better. Your business will fail. You’re a terrible person.
Ouch! I’m pretty mean to myself.
So here I am, in all my humility, to share with you some tools, ideas and a little pep talk offering support for those of us battling our gremlins today.
Keep believing in yourself
I get it, it's hard. And the longer we “sit in the suck” listening to our negative thoughts, the more they seem true. Yes, you want to do better. You have amazing goals and dreams. Keep believing in yourself and don't let negativity win. I know you can do it!
Try This:
Practice gratitude … at the top of a blank page write “I am proud of myself for …” and then write down 5 things you are proud of about yourself. Today my list reads, “I added one more evening of coaching availability” (3 evenings a week now!), I am writing this article about gremlins, I am meditating regularly each morning, I had a great conversation with my kid last night and I paid my estimated taxes.
Calm your nervous system … if stress is at play (and when is it not?) try out a few calming techniques to see what resonates with you and helps dial down stress levels. Some of my faves include breathing techniques (think long exhale, box breathing, cool off your soup), listening to soothing music, spiritual reading, taking a walk, EFT tapping, affirmations, and practicing yoga. What’s on your list? Write it down and add new techniques as you discover what works for you.
Choose not to believe it … that’s right! Remember, not everything you tell yourself is true. As Byron Katie suggests, ask yourself, 'Is this true?' You might find it's just a story, and you are actually amazing.
Now, what would you say to a good friend who is going through this?
Talk to yourself like a good friend
Picture your bestie is calling, upset about missing a goal. What do you say to them? Do you tell them they are a failure? Do you tell them they are a terrible person? No way! You love them dearly and want the best things for them in life. So why do we say hurtful things we would never say to a friend to ourselves?
Try This:
Be your own friend … Think about what you'd say to your best friend going through this. What supportive words would you offer? Now, say those same kind words to yourself because you’re awesome and you deserve them. Record a voice memo so you can hear your own encouragement.
Communicate with your younger self … Picture your 10-year-old self or a little in your life you care about. What advice would you give them if they were struggling? How would future you guide them? Write encouraging notes or texts for them. Dig up a photo from your youth to keep at your desk.
Next, grab a buddy.
Buddy up
No matter how gentle we are with ourselves and how well we handle stress, having a buddy to report to is key. It helps us stay focused when motivation dips. Sharing progress with a friend can be incredibly motivating!
Try This:
Get an accountability partner … Invite a friend or colleague to meet regularly to chat about goals and progress. Pick a consistent date (weekly, monthly, or quarterly), add it to your calendars, and make sure to show up. During your meet-ups, take turns sharing updates, cheer each other on, and talk about your plans for the next meeting.
Body doubling … Team up with a friend or coworker to work on your tasks side by side, whether online or face-to-face. It's perfect for boosting productivity, especially if you have ADHD or are lacking motivation to complete tasks.
Get a coach … Connect with a friendly pro who offers a safe space to share struggles, check in on goals, and provide new tools and strategies. Trying out new strategies can be game-changing!
Not quite there yet? Let's take a look at your expectations.
Keep it Real
Still struggling to reach your goals? Maybe it's time to rethink your expectations and priorities. Remember, we all have just 24 hours in a day! Sometimes, it's the little things (hello! family drama) that get in the way. Let's set ourselves up for success together.
Try This:
Say No (More) … You can't do everything perfectly, and that's okay! Take a moment to think about what you really want to achieve and what's standing in your way. Are extra work tasks, household duties, or family issues throwing you off course? Are you the go-to person for everyone's problems? It's time to focus on your BIG YES and say 'No' more often. Successful people protect their time by setting boundaries.
Reality Check … Let's keep it real. Are your goals achievable? It's great to envision your future but think about the timing too. Talk to a buddy or coach, and say your goals out loud. Do they sound realistic? Do you have a plan to reach them?
Break it Down … Ever tried setting SMART goals? They're Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely! Write your goal on a blank sheet and break it into attainable steps (that you can check off a list). For example, if your goal is to get a new job, start with updating your resume, networking, reviewing job listings, and applying.
Be Done Enough … As someone who's learning to let go of perfectionism, giving myself permission to be 'done enough' helps me finish tasks and move forward. Being stuck in 'draft' mode too long can slow you down. Remember, you can always revise later. If you struggle with this, when you hit 95% completion, ask yourself if you're 'done enough.' Complete is better than perfect.
In the spirit of being “done enough”, I offer my flaws as permission for you to check in with your gremlins and seek the support you desire. I invite you to “get uncomfortable” with me and encourage you to try out one new tool this week.
I look forward to hearing how it went!
Hey, feel free to call me out if it's been a while since I last checked in. I really value your input. We're in this together, so let's figure it out side by side.
Need some help?
If negative self-talk is a challenge, you're not alone. Let's slow down, find clarity, and focus on the next small step forward, together.
Reach out for a free consultation to explore how I can support you!
Resources:
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
by Brené Brown
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, The Revolutionary Process Called "The Work"
by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
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